Community Report #3 - Angelitus McSalius, R.I.P.

Silver Lake residents grapple with impacts from the COVID-19 pandemic.

Transcript

Oliver  0:00
My friends all told me. Don’t move to Hollywood. They’re all weirdos out there. They’re stupid, they’re self-absorbed, they’re fake, etc., etc. All the usual stereotypes. Well it was either that or Florida. And I’m not going to die in Florida with a bunch of mosquitos and hurricanes. Besides, I told them, I was moving to Silver Lake, you know. It’s not like the rest of Hollywood, the rest of Los Angeles. So, I moved here anyway a couple years ago and I did not regret it one bit. I met so many interesting people, all kinds. And the young people, they were the best. So many young people out here just trying to a make it, doing what they can. Literally a bunch of starving artists. Cook them a meal and they will spend all kinds of time with you. It was really refreshing for an old codger like myself.

Jeremy  1:20
So the stereotypes did not really hold.

Oliver  1:22
I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?

Jeremy  1:25
So the stereotypes did not really hold.

Oliver  1:28
I didn’t say that did I? I mean I haven’t finished my story yet. What kind of interview is this if I can’t finish my story?

Jeremy  1:37
Sorry. Sorry. Please go on.

Oliver  1:40
Huh? Can you repeat that… In case you haven’t noticed I’m hard of hearing.

Jeremy  1:46
Sorry. Please go on.

Oliver  1:49
Huh? You’re ruining the interview. This is my big moment, you know. Anyway, so where was I? Oh yes, this place was great. Great that is until the pandemic hit. I mean I had developed sort of a reputation around LA you know, among the artists, the starving ones. Go visit the ol’ man and he’ll cook you a meal. I think my neighbors probably thought I was a drug dealer - all the young people comin’ in and out of this place. But anyhow. So the pandemic hits and I had to shut down. I had to turn people away. But they kept coming. Asking for a meal, seeing if I would slide it out on the porch for them. And the worst part was none of them were wearing any masks. I mean I’m 83, in the strike zone of this goddamn thing and these bastards were coming up to my house, banging on my door, trying to yell into my house without any masks! Like a bunch of zombies. Totally inconsiderate. So I needed something, something to fend them off, something to send a message. So I read online about these social distancing sticks. They came in different sizes and shapes. You use them to enforce the social distancing. I mean they’re not just for fighting off people trying to break into your house for food. They’re also good for when you buy food, go out into the community. I mean there are so many people out they’re just not respecting the rules. So I order one. You know what they sent me? For $70? You know what they sent me… A shovel. I order again thinking maybe I hit the wrong button. Guess what I get? Another shovel. Order again. Spading fork. Order again — shovel! I used to own a gardening store. I think I know when I’m being sent overpriced gardening tools. I’m no dummy. How do you think I retired to Silver Lake!!

Sarah  4:42
So I had been dating this guy on and off in February for like a month and I felt like this time was different, this guy was the one. I don’t know, I mean I’ve dated a lot of guys, so I can tell when they’re marriage material. And he definitely fit the bill. I mean I was so convinced that I moved all my stuff out of my apartment and on to his driveway and was like, ‘I’m here. This is meant to be. You need to make a choice right now.’ And he’s this scientist kind of guy. Very left brained. So of course he freaked out, but I kind of talked him down and before you know it, we were living together. So anyway, the virus hits, you know, Coronavirus, and we are all of sudden locked up together. Which is fine, because part of the attraction was this physical animal kind of thing. So you can probably imagine, but we spent a lot of time… I don’t know, can I say    bleep? Can I say bleep? Anyway, so we spent a lot of time together. Let’s just put it that way. But we live in this driveway of townhomes on both sides where everyone’s really close together and no one cares about wearing masks or anything like that. So any time we’re like waking up with a sore throat or a cough or runny nose or anything like that, we’re like, ‘Oh my god. I think I caught Coronavirus.’ Anyway, so one morning I just start throwing up a lot. Like I cannot hold anything down. So we both start freaking out again. And he’s like, ‘We have to get you tested. We have to find out if you’ve got it.’ Only there’s no way to get tested. No one’s got the test. I mean we don’t want to go to the doctor’s office or the hospital or some drive through, because like, what if you don’t have it, but then you get it just because you went there or something. Anyway, we find this app that’s like, ‘Hey. We’ve got your test. And you’ll know within 15 minutes.’ So we order the test, in fact we order 6 tests, because this scientist guy, you know, the one I’m dating (he won’t let me say his name). He’s like, ‘We have to be absolutely sure. These things could have a high error rate.’  Anyway, so we get the test, and you have to pee on it — can I say that? So I pee on it and it comes back positive — I’ve got Coronavirus. I pee on another one. I’ve got Coronavirus. I pee on another and another and another — all Coronavirus. At this point we’re like in hysteria, you know. He’s talking about how this whole moving in thing was a bad idea. His mother told him he shouldn’t do it. I’m like how can you say something like that — I’ve got Coronavirus!! And we’re both just going nuts! Anyway, so after we calm down a bit, he takes me to the hospital and drops me off. Refuses to come in with me - what a bleep. And it turns out, I don’t have Coronavirus. I’m just pregnant.

David  8:43
I got home really late and was just exhausted. Kind of like the exhaustion where you just don’t care. And all I wanted was some milk. I mean I don’t why, but that was all I wanted, milk. And nothing was open. So I checked out this app my friend told me about and ordered some milk. They said they’d be there in like 15 minutes or something like that. It was kind of expensive, but like I said, nothing was open. So I order the milk and like 10 minutes later there’s this knock at my door. I peek outside and there’s this delivery guy standing like 10 feet from my door, mask and all, so I figure he’s doing the whole social distancing thing. And I open the door, I go out there, and it’s literally just this scrawny-looking dude just standing there, but no delivery or nothing. I go, ‘You here for the milk?’ He says, Yes. I go, ‘Where’s the milk?’ He goes, ‘You got no milk.’ I’m confused like, what’s this guy talking about. I ordered milk. I said, ‘What do you mean I got no milk. I ordered milk.’ He’s like, ‘You got no milk. It’s part of the app.’ I’m like, ‘What do you mean it’s part of the app. I ordered milk.’ He’s like, You got the no milk.’ At this point I’m like, ‘Mother bleep er, you better give me my milk or I am going to beat your ass.’ And he doesn’t do anything. Just stands there. Silent. At this point I’m like so confused, like is this guy messing with me? Is he even with the delivery company? Like what is going on here. Finally he says, real calmly, ‘I need to give you your receipt.’ I’m like, ‘Receipt? For what? For not getting any milk?!’ And he says, ‘But before I give you the receipt, I wanted to know if you wanted to add any tip.’

Jeremy  10:49
Stories like these were common. People ordering one thing, but getting another. Expecting one thing, but getting something else. And the number of people getting the ‘no milk’, or ‘no soap’, or ‘no toilet paper’ option was staggering. Silver Lake was under siege. Not from a virus, but from a scam artist. The thing is though, if you tick off the wrong person, especially during a pandemic, something will happen. At 1pm on a Wednesday, a military drone in the shape of a tiltrotor aircraft launched two Hydra 70 unguided rockets into a Silver Lake home. This was according to several eyewitnesses. However, when contacted about the incident, the US military denied any aircraft in the vicinity. And fire department records indicated a gas explosion with no deaths or injuries. The home sat near one of Silver Lake’s famous secret staircases and has since been mysteriously fenced off. Ether way, whether by military intervention or just dumb luck, the scamming stopped.

Oliver  11:50
I saw it myself. They found her.

Jeremy  11:54
Was there a body being removed from the rubble or something?

Oliver  11:58
Well, I never saw her. But I saw a piece of her. Here I even saved it.

Jeremy  12:06
Oliver takes out a tuft of hair. So you never saw like a body or anything?

Oliver  12:14
How can you see someone who got blown to pieces… Huh? Explain that one to me.

Jeremy  12:22
David and Sarah had similar accounts. They each had souvenirs claimed from the rubble. David showed me a shoe torn in half. Sarah a jean pocket. Numerous other witnesses recorded the same thing: no dead body, but all were able to produce some piece of evidence pointing to the demise of Angelitus McSalius. So what happened there?

Angelitus McSalius  12:47
Oh you know. This is a common reaction I’ve seen in the past. People just don’t understand sometimes when you’re trying to help.

Jeremy  12:58
That’s one way to put it. I thought you were blown to pieces.

Angelitus McSalius  13:06
Nope. Nope. Not me. Still in one piece. Fighting the good fight.

Jeremy  13:15
Did you even know there was an explosion?

Angelitus McSalius  13:20
Oh yeah. I knew about it before it even happened.

Jeremy  13:27
Would you care to elaborate?

Angelitus McSalius  13:30
I’m afraid this line of questioning is going to get you a very short interview. Can we talk about something else?

Jeremy  13:41
Ok. Sure. Dare I ask how the nonprofit is going?

Angelitus McSalius  13:50
Oh, of course, we had to suspend operations for the safety of the employees. The effects of the virus were spreading too quickly through the community.

Jeremy  14:04
So what are your next steps?

Angelitus McSalius  14:13
I have to move on. We’re relocating so to speak.

Jeremy  14:20
So you’re leaving Silver Lake?

Angelitus McSalius  14:22
Yes.

Jeremy  14:24
Hmmm. I almost can’t believe I’m saying this. But in a weird way, I feel kind of sad to see you go.

Angelitus McSalius  14:40
Oh don’t be sad. It’s all just part of life. Change. I’ve been through this kind of thing before. It’s like a rebirth. I’m very into that these days.

Jeremy  14:56
Rebirth?

Angelitus McSalius  14:58
Yeah. When you’re a modern business woman, you just have to reinvent yourself to make it in this world.

Jeremy  15:07
Right. Right. Well, thanks for being on our show and, well, I don’t feel quite right wishing you the best of luck.

Angelitus McSalius  15:23
That’s okay. I’ll be back someday. But in the meantime it’s been a pleasure.

Jeremy  15:30
Goodbye Angelitus.

Angelitus McSalius  15:36
Goodbye.

Jeremy  15:40
That was Angelitus McSalius, Silver Lake fugitive and future convicted felon —

Angelitus McSalius  15:49
- We’ll see about that.

Jeremy  15:51
Oh. Didn’t know you were still there.