Community Report - Nonfiction Fiction
Community Report - Nonfiction Fiction
Community Report #2 - Angelitus McSalius COVID-19
Silver Lake resident Angelitus McSalius adapts her nonprofit to the COVID-19 pandemic.
Jeremy 0:00
For our community report I’m out and about in the community for a special COVID-19 report. And I have with me today —
Angelitus McSalius 0:09
— again —
Jeremy 0:11
— yes, again. Angelitus McSalius.
Angelitus McSalius 0:16
What’s a matter? Couldn’t find anyone else?
Jeremy 0:21
Well, it is a little difficult under the circumstances.
Angelitus McSalius 0:32
Is this an essential service?
Jeremy 0:35
Yes, paragraph 5, section vii, subparagraph (e) in the Mayor’s Safer at Home order.
Angelitus McSalius 0:55
But it says there “on the grounds that they provide services that are recognized to be critical to the health and well-being of the City.”
Jeremy 1:06
Wow, you really know the order. Um. I take it you’ve been doing research into your own business —
Angelitus McSalius 1:19
— nonprofit —
Jeremy 1:20
— nonprofit. Yes. So how is that going?
Angelitus McSalius 1:25
Very well. We’re pretty protected from the pathogen because the core of the nonprofit is kids.
Jeremy 1:31
Right, it seems that they’re relatively unaffected by the virus.
Angelitus McSalius 1:37
Exactly. In fact, the nonprofit is doing so well that we have the cashflow to expand.
Jeremy 1:46
Oh, really. Wow, so like Moliere and Flaubert or something?
Angelitus McSalius 1:55
What?
Jeremy 1:56
Oh, I just thought maybe the kids would be reading different authors or something.
Angelitus McSalius 2:01
Oh no. I mean deliveries and masks and things like that.
Jeremy 2:07
Wait, wait, wait. So you mean the non profit is making masks and deliveries?
Angelitus McSalius 2:13
Yes. And every penny goes back to the children.
Jeremy 2:18
Oh. Ok… Um. Let me see. There’s a lot here. Um —
Angelitus McSalius 2:24
— It’s very simple really. We take the cash flow from the recordings, pair it up with the loans we’re getting from the stimulus package, expand our business, and when we pay back the loans, the cash from the recordings is kind of like equity, you know, that benefits from the leverage. In other words, it’s like 2008 all over again, except all the debt is going for good. To kids. Who read Shakespeare.
Jeremy 3:04
Yeah. I think I’m over my head here. Um. Why don’t you tell our audience about the expanded nonprofit.
Angelitus McSalius 3:18
Sure. Because it directly benefits the audience as well. So first we have our delivery service. We guarantee 15 minute delivery. And the way it works is, for instance, if you request milk, you will get either organic milk, regular milk, or no milk.
Jeremy 3:45
What!? So you might not get any milk!?
Angelitus McSalius 3:47
Correct. It’s a grab bag. You never know what you’re going to get. But you’ll know within 15 minutes. We charge you the average price of organic, regular, and no milk, so you if you get organic or regular, you’re getting a deal, compared to the average. So far very few people get the no milk, so it’s worth the risk.
Jeremy 4:46
I don’t know.
Angelitus McSalius 4:51
We’re also creating masks.
Jeremy 4:57
Oh, masks. That’s very useful. I’m hoping they’re not medical grade.
Angelitus McSalius 5:06
Oh no. They’re made from tires.
Jeremy 5:08
Tires?
Angelitus McSalius 5:11
Exactly. Only ones on the market. I own some property that has a lot of tires on it, so we got to thinking. What would happen if we cut pieces of them and stuck them in a microwave. And voila! It worked.
Jeremy 5:31
…Are they comfortable?
Angelitus McSalius 5:33
Comfortable and durable. They’re steel belted so they don’t fall apart.
Jeremy 5:41
How do they not blow up in the microwave if they’re steel-belted?
Angelitus McSalius 5:48
Some sort of space age rubber I guess. Keeps the steel from sparking when you nuke it.
Jeremy 5:56
Yeah, I don’t know.
Angelitus McSalius 5:58
We also have test kits.
Jeremy 6:01
COVID-19 test kits?
Angelitus McSalius 6:03
Yes. You order them online and you get your test results within 15 minutes.
Jeremy 6:08
Within 15 minutes of what?
Angelitus McSalius 6:10
Of taking the test. You pee on the kit, and if there’s one line you don’t have it. If there’s two lines you have it… We also have a line of social distancing sticks we’re rolling out. Six feet long, kind of like a broom handle. You spin around like a whirling dervish and it keeps others away. The ends on them vary, so we have spading fork, cultivator, and shovel. You okay over there? Haven’t figured out those awkward silences yet, have you?
Jeremy 6:50
No. Nope. Working on it still. Ummm. For those not familiar with your business, your core business —
Angelitus McSalius 7:05
— nonprofit —
Jeremy 7:06
— nonprofit. Sorry. Can you just provide a quick recap.
Angelitus McSalius 7:13
It’s Shhhhhhii bleep for Kids. And we record kids reading Shakespeare and publish those recordings online. Entire plays and volumes of Shakespeare.
Jeremy 7:29
Right. And how is it you’re able to keep recording kids, even in this environment?
Angelitus McSalius 7:35
Well, like you, the core service is essential, as it is a media service, and we really pitch that to the parents.
Jeremy 7:45
And how do you go about approaching the parents?
Angelitus McSalius 7:47
Online marketing.
Jeremy 7:49
Wow. That’s interesting… Um… Can you tell me more?
Angelitus McSalius 8:00
No.
Jeremy 8:03
Ok. Um. But um. Well, I think our audience would like to know. I mean, many of them may be in the same position. Trying to work from home, but unable to reach out to customers.
Angelitus McSalius 8:40
We use in-the-field research to seek out good cryptovirology candidates. And that organically leads to a situation where the parents record their children reading Shakespeare and the nonprofit flourishes.
Jeremy 9:09
Sounds like a lot of technical marketing jargon in there. But basically, it sounds like you use some sort of app to approach parents and get them to record their kids reading Shakespeare.
Angelitus McSalius 9:36
Correct. During the marketing process we explain how higher education increases when the economy slows down. I mean, there’s nothing else to do, so people get more educated. And our nonprofit, the core of it, the Shakespeare part, is just trying to grow that trend.
Jeremy 9:57
I see, which explains how you’re not physically near them.
Angelitus McSalius 10:05
Of course. Shakespeare is too difficult to read 6 feet apart.
Jeremy 10:08
Right. Right… Do you still want to share the recording?
Angelitus McSalius 10:18
Oh right! I almost forgot. Everything’s been so busy.
Jeremy 10:23
Great. Let’s share your latest and greatest with our audience.
Angelitus McSalius 10:32
Alright. There we go. Ooops. Sorry. Wrong Shakespeare play. Some technical difficulties here. Hold on…
Jeremy 10:52
You know what, that’s okay.
Angelitus McSalius 10:56
Are you sure?
Jeremy 10:57
Yeah, that’s okay really. I mean we got a good flavor for it last time, at our last interview.
Angelitus McSalius 11:01
I just don’t want the audience to forget, it’s all about they kids. At the end of the day, they are the ones who will benefit.
Jeremy 11:09
Right. Yeah. It’s all about the kids. Can’t go wrong there.
Angelitus McSalius 11:15
In fact, to remind everyone of that, each package from us is sealed with a little sticker that says, “Shhhhii beep for Kids.” It’s like an endorsement from Shakespeare himself.
Jeremy 11:32
Wow. Yeah. I never thought of it that way. Alright. Well, Angelitus. I want to thank you again for coming on our show - only two shows in and you’re already a regular. And I want to wish you good luck with the readings, the deliveries, the tires —
Angelitus McSalius 12:00
— masks —
Jeremy 12:01
Oh yes, masks sorry. And the…
Angelitus McSalius 12:07
Social distancing sticks and test kits.
Jeremy 12:09
Yes. Definitely, cannot forget those. But um…, thank you for your time today and best of luck with everything, though it sounds like you’re doing quite fine.
Angelitus McSalius 12:30
Absolutely.
Jeremy 12:33
That was Agelitus McSalius of Shhhhh bleep tt for Kids, just one of the many faces of Silver Lake, doing what she can for the community in this time of crisis.