Community Report #11 - Angelitus McSalius 3-Ring Therapy

Angelitus McSalius returns to Silver Lake with her latest venture, 3-Ring Therapy.

Transcript

Minos  0:00
For our community report I am out and about in the community interviewing different individuals and today I have with me a very familiar guest, Angelitus McSalius.

Angelitus  0:11
Hello.

Minos  0:11
Hello. And Angelitus has returned to Silver Lake and opened up shop as a 3-ring therapist. Now, Angelitus.

Angelitus  0:24
Are these bullet holes?

Minos  0:25
Excuse me?

Angelitus  0:29
Those holes in the wall - there, there… there, there, there.

Minos  0:37
Uhhh, yes. There was a minor incident here back in 2021 - well documented in our time traveler episode.

Angelitus  0:48
Is it safe to be here?

Minos  0:50
Excuse me?

Angelitus  0:52
Is it safe to be here? I don’t think your headset is working because I keep having to repeat myself. Have you hosted a show before?

Minos  1:04
Well, you know the answer to that. But yes. It is very safe to be here. Any danger that ever existed has long since passed.

Angelitus  1:15
Great. Because I am also noticing some black scorch marks surrounding what I think used to be a door frame.

Minos  1:23
Yep. Yep. All explained already in that prior episode. But this, for this episode, why we are here. Please explain to us your latest Silver Lake venture… I believe you are calling yourself a 3-ring therapist.

Angelitus  1:44
Yes. That is correct. Now I offer therapeutic services to adults, of the mental health variety, and in my store when you enter we keep things very simple.

Minos  1:58
Ok. Can I just pause you right there? You said store. So is that like a therapy store?

Angelitus  2:06
Yes. A store.

Minos  2:09
But don’t most therapists work out of a home or a doctor’s office or a mental health center, or something like that.

Angelitus  2:17
3-ring therapy is an a la carte approach to therapy… Are you gonna’ let me finish, or is this going to be like all your other episodes, 2 hours long with no end in sight?

Minos  2:36
Ok. Sorry. By the way, my episodes are pretty tightly structured.

Angelitus  2:47
You need some therapy my friend. Now. As I was saying, a customer enters the store and before them is a menu. You can either order 1-ring therapy, 2-ring therapy, or 3-ring therapy. Let’s go thru each option. 1-ring therapy, for those on a leaner budget, addresses the first issue for people who need therapy… Other people.

Minos  3:19
Other people.

Angelitus  3:23
Other people. Now we all know that we cannot control what other people do, but we can control how they feel.

Minos  3:39
Right. I never really thought of that. Controlling how other people feel.

Angelitus  3:41
Yes. The cheapest, fastest, most effective form of therapy is controlling how other people feel, the people who bother you. So what we do is I load up my brother’s truck and we go for a trip. Anybody who has made you feel bad, and who is within driving distance (gas is not included, by the way), we go to their house and take back control. We use special emotional tools like tire pressure release systems, toilet paper, therapy bags, and we conduct reverse clinical therapy on these individuals.

Minos  4:32
There's a ton to unpack there. What are some of these tools for instance? What is it, a therapy bag?

Angelitus  4:48
It is a paper bag filled with fertilizer and rigged with a self ignition system that you leave on your other person’s doorstep and watch from afar as they try to contain the conflagration.

Minos  5:03
It sounds like your marketing materials are failing you there.

Angelitus  5:07
I'm struggling with 'conflagration.' Oh it's very therapeutic.

Minos  5:17
Are you licensed?

Angelitus  5:20
Very. Now, people find this form of therapy very therapeutic. But for those who need more.

Minos  5:28
Wait. Can I at least ask what the tire pressure release thingy was?

Angelitus  5:36
Oh yes. A shiv.

Minos  5:38
A what?

Angelitus  5:42
A shiv. I can tell you’ve lived a very sheltered existence. You’ll have to look that one up.

Minos  5:49
Yeah, no. I know what one of those is.

Angelitus  6:04
Now, for those in need of a little more, there is 2-ring therapy. 2-ring therapy includes 1-ring therapy, but after the first ring, the attention turns more on ourselves. We go out to my brothers tire farm, up there between Palmdale and Angeles Crest Forest, and we sit around a campfire.

Minos  6:41
That sounds relaxing

Angelitus  6:42
Oh, yes. It is very relaxing up there. Away from the city. Under the stars. Anyway, the customer makes a $1500 cash-only deposit and my brother takes that back to the camper.

Minos  7:02
So $1500 cash only is going into a camper?

Angelitus  7:07
Yes, we have a mental health camper, up there on his property. It’s mobile.

Minos  7:14
Oh, ok.

Angelitus  7:16
My brother takes the $1500 back to the camper and returns with two bags labeled ‘feelings’, one containing the money and one containing firecrackers.

Minos  7:32
Oh boy. Firecrackers?!

Angelitus  7:36
But the customer does not know which is which. So what we do is we have the customer pick one, and the bag they pick goes into the campfire. 

Minos  7:48
Whoa?! So you’re burning up people’s money?

Angelitus  7:54
No, no, no. Sometimes people make it through 9 or 10 rounds of this with only the firecrackers getting thrown in the fire.

Minos  8:04
But they must be furious at that point! It’s either rounds of explosions or a round of watching $1500 literally go up in smoke.

Angelitus  8:18
And that’s the point. We want to bring all those inner feelings to the surface so that when the money goes up in smoke those inner feelings can be released. And we give the person free rein to express themselves, release all of their inner feelings, run wild, scream, yell, direct their anger even at me if they wish.

Minos  8:48
I mean think that you're going to succeed at that. Isn’t that dangerous? I might get so mad in such a situation I would just attack you.

Angelitus  9:05
Oh no. No. My brother’s there to guard against any physical violence. Plus, we’re on a tire farm. So you can literally bounce off of, jump into, and hit piles and piles of tires and not get injured… it’s very therapeutic.

Minos  9:36
I'm sorry. I feel like I’m having deja vou.

Angelitus  9:41
Well, wait until you hear about the third ring.

Minos  9:43
Oh boy. That's right. One ring, two ring, and here comes the third ring.

Angelitus  9:50
The third ring is the most introspective of all the rings of therapy. It involves visiting yourself, turning every ounce of energy on yourself, and really figuring out who you are in this universe.

Minos  10:21
Ok. That sounds very introspective. I'm almost afraid to ask. I understand you have a guest currently undergoing their third ring of therapy.

Angelitus  10:39
I do, several guests in fact…

Minos  10:42
…Oh my gosh. Ok… 

Minos #2  10:47
Whoa, it’s true, it’s you, it’s me - I actually am in a parallel universe.

Minos  10:59
If I can describe what’s happening here. A spitting image of me, my twin, if you will, has entered the studio and - whoa - someone else has entered.

Minos #3  11:05
Holy smokes - it’s two of me. Like my long lost twins or something.

Minos  11:12
A third, fourth, fifth version of me have entered, are entering, the studio.

Minos #2 - #6  11:20
Oh my gosh. It’s you. It’s me. How is this possible? Did she drug you. What’s it like where you live. Can I pinch you? How come you’re a little shorter? What kind of shoe’s are you wearing? What is this place? Is your life messed up too?

Angelitus  11:27
Um. Excuse me. Excuse me! I need a little silence please. Remember, we’re on a mission to find ourselves here and that requires focus.

Minos  11:47
So if I can describe for the audience what I am seeing. Before me is a gaggle of Me’s, basically, and well. I guess this should come as no surprise, since we are the only legitimate time traveling podcast out there. We proved that with our omicron episodes that came out in July 2021, well before the omicron variant ever existed. But the new twist here is that the rest of the episodes from season one sort of begin to make sense…

Angelitus  12:50
Why don’t you summarize those for us?

Minos  12:53
Yeah, thank you for keeping me on track. In episodes one thru three, Angelitus escapes certain death since she is, now very apparent to all of us, a time traveler. In episode four, The Silver Lake Werewolf, Hyp scouts out the show because she is a time traveler. After the omicron episodes, in episode 9, The Silver Lake Time Traveler, I (Minos) enter from another timeline, dump the host in yet another timeline, and take over the show with Hyp.

Angelitus  13:36
Alright, alright Mr. Podcast Host. I think you’ve lost people again.

Minos  13:55
Something that's really bothering me. Why isn’t one of these versions of me, standing here before me, jumping out to strangle me? Which one of you is the one that got dumped into another timeline when I took over the show?

Angelitus  14:09
Oh, he is not here currently. That’s called my leverage.

Minos  14:14
Ok. Your leverage?

Angelitus  14:17
My leverage. You see, now it is I who am taking over the show, in a ways.

Minos  14:26
Ok.

Angelitus  14:29
I will periodically be posting my own episodes here with your sanction and support. And if your sanction and support is lacking.

Minos #4  14:37
Is this all part of the third ring of therapy?

Minos #2  14:39
Yeah, I’m so lost.

Angelitus  14:40
Quiet down people. Yes. We are healing this ailing show. If your sanction and support are not received, the original podcast host, who is sitting quite upset in another timeline, a parallel universe of sorts, will be paying you a visit when you least expect it.

Minos  15:07
And here I thought I had entered a peaceful world where I could retire.

Angelitus  15:13
Now. Can we finish the episode please.

Minos   15:17
For the few audience members that are left? Sure, yeah, whatever… You’ve just ruined my day - and my podcast by the way.

Angelitus   15:33
Now, the third ring of therapy involves visiting yourself many times in many places and getting a sense for -

Minos #5  15:43
Can I go home? I think I feel better now.

Angelitus  15:46
And getting a sense for how the choices you make affect you, no matter what point in time you may exist.

Minos  15:59
That’s one way of putting it. Anything else?

Angelitus  16:06
Nope - that’s all from me until next time. Let’s go folks. Follow me, please.

Minos #2 - #6  16:09
I feel worse than when I started. How is this supposed to help me? I’m loving this. Can we stop at a restroom?

Angelitus  16:17
No.

Minos  16:18
That was Angelitus McSalius, pied piper -

Minos #3  16:24
Unlicensed 3-ring therapist!

Minos  16:27
Leading her parade of podcast hosts out the door and down the street. Just one of the many faces of Silver Lake.